Notes on happiness
Hello you, who probably accidentally stumbled on to my blog.
Or hello, future me - who is hopefully reading this in hopes to just... Look back at the good ol' days, and by good ol' days I mean traumatic and depressing past which I can look back as my future self will hopefully be in a better place mentally.
Let's hope.
After 3 months in lockdown, my mental health have started to deteriorate. Not being able to distract myself with work and other bad decisions, I found myself in a state of emotional breakdown. Also because I've being going through a very emotional break-up that have left me with more self hatred than every before. Note: YES, it was absolutely my fault.
My behaviour has been terrible, I have made terrible choices, I have hurt people- so, in the end- am I just a terrible person? My life coach told me that it was probably because I was at my breaking point emotionally, but I constantly distracted my emotions- until now. I have completely lost my marbles.
I don't even know what I like to do for fun. What are my hobbies? What brings me joy without me punishing myself saying "I'm really bad at this", "What's the point?", "I'm wasting my time."
On a day to day basis I'm not sure what brings me joy anymore. My morning coffee is just another routine. Playing video games at 1-2pm has become a routine. What I do after that is beyond me. I read about politics, watch the news. Then it's dinner time, wash up, and then I stay up till 6am doing absolutely nothing.
People always say to appreciate the small things in life... But what happens if you can't? I am so exhausted on overwhelmed with sadness, that appreciating anything... Is difficult. If I wake up one morning feeling nothing, that is an achievement in itself.
Sometimes I wonder if my idea of happiness is even achievable... What if my expectations after speaking with my life coach is that I'm going to become to happy, spiritual person who loves nature and sees the positive in everything. Even writing it down, I can't see it.
Anyway, my life coach told me to write 1 positive thing about myself everyday. She told me that 2 weeks ago and I've only written down 7 words.
Slow progress.
Anyway, my goal for now is- find out what brings me joy.
Or hello, future me - who is hopefully reading this in hopes to just... Look back at the good ol' days, and by good ol' days I mean traumatic and depressing past which I can look back as my future self will hopefully be in a better place mentally.
Let's hope.
After 3 months in lockdown, my mental health have started to deteriorate. Not being able to distract myself with work and other bad decisions, I found myself in a state of emotional breakdown. Also because I've being going through a very emotional break-up that have left me with more self hatred than every before. Note: YES, it was absolutely my fault.
My behaviour has been terrible, I have made terrible choices, I have hurt people- so, in the end- am I just a terrible person? My life coach told me that it was probably because I was at my breaking point emotionally, but I constantly distracted my emotions- until now. I have completely lost my marbles.
I don't even know what I like to do for fun. What are my hobbies? What brings me joy without me punishing myself saying "I'm really bad at this", "What's the point?", "I'm wasting my time."
On a day to day basis I'm not sure what brings me joy anymore. My morning coffee is just another routine. Playing video games at 1-2pm has become a routine. What I do after that is beyond me. I read about politics, watch the news. Then it's dinner time, wash up, and then I stay up till 6am doing absolutely nothing.
People always say to appreciate the small things in life... But what happens if you can't? I am so exhausted on overwhelmed with sadness, that appreciating anything... Is difficult. If I wake up one morning feeling nothing, that is an achievement in itself.
Sometimes I wonder if my idea of happiness is even achievable... What if my expectations after speaking with my life coach is that I'm going to become to happy, spiritual person who loves nature and sees the positive in everything. Even writing it down, I can't see it.
Anyway, my life coach told me to write 1 positive thing about myself everyday. She told me that 2 weeks ago and I've only written down 7 words.
Slow progress.
Anyway, my goal for now is- find out what brings me joy.
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Thanks! x